


Ooh Baby Baby

by PastelWonder



Category: The Expendables (Movies)
Genre: Baby Makes Three, Daddy!Christmas, Daddy!Ross
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-19
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-04-15 12:48:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4607334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PastelWonder/pseuds/PastelWonder
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>As he picks soggy Cheerios off his chin, Barney can't help but think he's too old for this shit.<br/>Then again, Lee's never looked happier.<br/>Maybe being a dad's not so bad after all...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Kiss Me Baby One More Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wanderingsmith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderingsmith/gifts).



> I apologize in advance to the Expendables fan community. This is *completely* wanderingsmith's fault. 
> 
> *points at smith*
> 
> She made me.

“All they got is 'quick cooking',” Barney grumbles to himself. He crouches with a groan, knees popping, and hunts through the bottom shelf for old-fashioned rolled oats.

He can’t stand that instant shit - tastes like paste no matter how much you skimp on the milk - and he’s not some hippie health nut, so steel cut’s out.

Not that those two would try it if he bought it. They need half-a-cup of brown sugar and a fistful of raisins between them before they’ll eat his oatmeal as it is.

“What you want with it?” Lee calls. Barney glances up to see Lee standing with feet apart and hands on his narrow hips as he surveys the cereal options.

“It’s winter; we need something hot for breakfast.”

Lee snorts. “S’that some sort of rule from the olden days - need a ‘ot breakfast before you start another day’s work on the farm?”

“Yeah, sure. Call me sentimental,” Barney mutters. Lee’s not all wrong - Barney’s mother did set a steaming bowl of oatmeal at his place every winter morning. Maybe that’s why he’s been so dogged about making it, ever since -

“Da!”

He looks over his shoulder, neck muscle pinching - getting old as shit - to see their two-year-old daughter reaching out her hand to Lee. She swings her feet in the shopping cart’s child seat, fingertips of her little hand rubbing together in what he realizes with a lopsided grin is an attempt to snap her fingers.

Which one of those knuckleheads taught her that, he wonders.

Lee tugs the cart closer, crossing his forearms on the cart handle and propping a foot on the bottom basket. He butts his forehead gently against Mai’s. “What, bit?”

She grins at him, that wide grin that shows her sparse baby teeth, and slaps his arms with her hands. She’s love her Da, alright.

“What is it?” Lee asks in that soft, tender tone that’s just for Mai. “What you want?”

Mai looks past him, at the wall of cereal, and points to the Trix box. “Dat!”

Great. Here we go.

Lee pulls the cart along behind him as he takes a box of cereal next to the Trix down off the shelf.

“This?” he asks.

She shakes her head, her jet-black bob whipping back-and-forth around her head, and leans towards the cereal boxes as she points more emphatically. “ _Dat_...”

Barney can hear the whine in her voice already. He sighs. They should know better by now than to bring her here this close to dinnertime.

He’s trying to focus on his search for oats when he hears her delighted squeal.

“This one?” Lee asks, shaking the Trix box.

“Bunny!” she cries, throwing her head back and waving her hands in delight.

Barney just can’t fucking help himself as he chuckles. Kid’s crazy.

Lee grins at her. “S’right, sweet’eart - that’s a bunny rabbit. What do bunny rabbits do?”

The shopping cart rattles as Mai bounces in her seat. “ ‘op!”

“S’right, they ‘op.” Lee makes the cereal box hop.

Barney hates to interrupt this little moment - but they’ve got at least another twenty minutes of shopping, and they _all_ need to go home and eat. “Ok, time for bunny to go bye-bye.”

Lee pretends like he doesn’t hear Barney; Mai follows suit.

“Lee…” Barney warns, too tired for this shit. “We’re not feeding her that crap.”

Lee’s hand is on his hip so fast Barney almost thinks it’s a reflex-reach for his throwing knives. Mai twists in her seat, looking equally harassed.

Jesus-age-Christ.

“What can’t she ‘ave it? S’loaded with vitamins and fiber.” Lee taps the nutritional label with a hollow _thunk thunk_. “See? Says so right ‘ere.”

“You know the bitch-fit Toll’ll pitch if he sees this? No thanks - put it back.”

“Oi, she’s my kid, I’ll feed ‘er whatever the fuck I want. ‘e can rant all ‘e like about food dyes and artificial flavors and whatever-the-fuck. S’not his bloody business what she eats.”

“Da!” Mai adds her two-cents, smacking her hand against the cart handle and scowling at Barney.

Two-against-one, huh?

“ _Our_ kid’s not getting hooked on this shit, Lee. I have a hell of a time as it is getting her to eat decent. And raising one picky eater is enough.” He gives Lee a pointed look.

Lee huffs.

Mai looks up at Lee through her bangs with a look that says don’t-you-dare-back-down-now.

“You know Tool’s gonna throw that shit out soon as he finds it. She’ll be bouncing off the walls, Lee.”

At the sound of Tool’s name, Mai claps her hands excitedly. “Too-too! Too-too!”

“Fine.” Lee slams the cereal box back on the shelf.

“Ah-ah. Put it down nicely,” Barney chides, using the same phrase they use on Mai.

The smile drops off Mai's face. “Bunny?”

Barney looks at Lee, who looks right back at him, arms crossed over his chest. “Go on then. Tell ‘er she can’t ‘ave it.”

So much for a united front.

“That’s enough of the bunny, Mai. It’s time to go.”

“Bu-u-un-ny!” She whines, arms flailing in a desperate reach.

And here come the hysterics.

“Mai,” Barney warns firmly, knowing it’s like trying to stop a freight train by holding out his hands. “No whining.”

He sees Lee’s shoulders knot up defensively as he waves his hand between Mai and the cereal. “She’s not whinin’ - she's jipped. Was promised the cereal and now she can’t ‘ave it.”

“It’s not about the Goddamn cereal, Lee. She’s -”

“Daddy?” Mai’s mouth starts to wobble, big black eyes clenching shut as she whimpers, “Daddy?”

That’s right. Lee may be fun-dad, playtime-dad, get-anything-you-want-dad, but when she reaches the end of her rope, when she’s tired and hungry and completely fucking _done_ , she wants her Daddy.  

Lucky me, Barney thinks.

He lifts her out of her seat as her face starts to crumple, careful not to tangle her feet in the leg holes.

When did she kick off her shoes?

“I know Mai-mai.” He kisses her chubby baby cheeks, always amazed at how soft they are. She winds her arms around his neck, pressing her face into his shoulder as she sniffles.

Lee rubs Mai’s leg, soothing, “S’alright, sweet’eart.”

She kicks her foot.

Barney hikes her up his hip, annoyed with her and annoyed with Lee and annoyed with this Goddamn grocery store. How fucking hard is it to stock old-fashioned oats? Jesus…

“ ‘ere, give ‘er to me -” Lee’s hands are around her tiny waist, tugging gently.

“Sure,” Barney replies congenially, slacking his grip just a hair.

“That’s it, sweet’eart, come to your Da,” Lee coos.

Mai bucks, fisting her hands in Barney’s hair and pedalling her feet wildly. “Daddy! DAD-DY!”

“Ok, enough.”

Only one way this is gonna end.

With a glance up and down the aisle, Barney hoists his squalling baby girl into the air until her face is level with his, flinching as she tightens her hands in hair.

“Mai-mai. Mai-mai-mai.”

He puckers his lips like a goldfish’s and kisses her cheeks, making loud, exaggerated kissy noises.

Mai blinks, tears clinging to her long black lashes, and stops her howling. She watches Barney’s face with interest.

Got your attention, darling?

“Mai-mai.” He wiggles her, making more kissy sounds as he kisses her eyelids, her nose, the corners of her mouth.

She giggles.

Lee is at his elbow in a second, having caught on to Barney’s plan.

It’s purely tactical - distract the boogie from the target before it detonates. Efficient. Effective.

“Got your pigglies,” he hears Lee saying in a voice only _slightly_ higher than his usual tone. He’s lightly pinching Mai’s toes through her socks. “I’m gonna eat these pigglies. I’m gonna eat ‘em!”

Mai wriggles, shrieking delightedly. She lets go of Barney’s hair, cupping his face in her tiny hands and making soft little _smooch smooch_ sounds. She puckers her lips.

He grins. Yep, purely tactical.

“Who’s your daddy?” he asks.

“You are,” is Lee’s rumbled reply. The hooded look he shoots Barney as he tickles their daughter's foot is enough to send a jolt through him.

Mai gives Barney’s cheek a sharp _slap!_ and makes a more insistent smooching sound.

“Baby wants a kiss,” Lee murmurs, winding an arm around the two of them.

“Ya think?” Barney asks with a cocky half-smile.

They both hear the quiet sound of disgust at the same time; Lee is whipping around and stepping out in front of them as Barney shifts Mai onto his back hip. He gives her butt a reassuring _pat pat_ at her squeak of surprise.

“Can I ‘elp you wif somethin’?” Lee snarls at the overweight middle-aged woman standing agape in the aisle.

Behind him, Barney stands at his full height and gives her a hard stare. Mai burrows her face into his chest, fingers twined in his flannel overshirt.

The woman’s grip whitens on her shopping cart; she skuttles quickly down the aisle, disappearing around the corner with a terrified backward glance over her shoulder.

Lee watches her, shoulders tense and fingers flexing at his sides.

Mai whimpers, sensing the shift in their moods.

Kid’s so damn perceptive.

“Oi, none of that now,” Lee sooths, slipping back into a wide, silly grin as he strokes his hand down her silky-soft hair. “Look, bit - Da’s got your pigglies. Gonna eat these pigglies up.”

Barney hikes her up his hip. “Mai-mai-mai.” He makes loud kissy noises as he kisses her ears.

Mai giggles, curling and kicking her legs to avoid Lee’s toe-tickling pinches as she scrunches her ears to her shoulders.

When he and Lee each kiss one of her cheeks, making obscene smooching sounds and tickling her little round belly, she shriek-laughs in ecstasy.

**  
**


	2. Maybe Baby?

“Look at that,” Lee points to one of the pictures hanging on the hallway wall. He bounces Mai higher up his hip, her bottom tucked into the crook of his elbow and his long, strong fingers wrapped around her waist.

 

“Who is that?” Lee taps the glass to draw Mai’s attention to the photo. He watches her face, expression soft. “S’that you?”

 

Mai sways in his grip, reaching to point with her short chubby finger. “Mai.”

 

“That’s right - Mai. Who’s that?” Lee points to himself in the photo.

 

Mai’s brow wrinkles as her eyes search Lee’s image. She beams when she recognizes him. “Da!”

 

“Yes, very good! That’s your Da,” Lee shores up the arm holding her with the other, hikes her up to kiss her cheek with a loud _smooch_.

 

Mai giggles, covering her face with her hands and looking at Lee coyly through her fingers.

 

Lee chuckles. “Bein’ bashful, are we?”

 

She kicks her feet, pointing to his image again. “Da!”

 

“S’right - that’s your Da. ‘e’s a ‘andsome bloke, innit ‘e?”

 

Barney snorts, working his dishtowel around the inside of a coffee cup.

 

Lee shoots him a cocky grin over his shoulder. “Denyin’ it, then?”

 

Barney looks pointedly at Lee’s ass as he says casually, “Who, me? Never in a million years.”

 

Lee smirks.

 

“ ‘ey!” Mai squirms in Lee’s arms.

 

"What, bit?"

 

She turns her head, offering him her cheek.

 

Kid does the work, she wants to get paid. Barney can understand that.

 

Lee gives her a big smooch. She smiles, hiding her face in his neck.

 

Lee grins. “Methinks the lady protests too much.”

 

Barney tosses the dishrag over his shoulder and hooks his thumb through the handle of the mug, crossing his arms as he leans a shoulder against the wall.

 

Lee taps the glass to get Mai’s attention again. “Who’s that bloke right there? Do you know who that is?”

 

Mai blinks, sticking her fingers in her mouth.

 

Lee steps closer to the wall. “Who is that?”

 

She leans out over Lee’s arm, scrutinizing the image closely as she sucks her fingers.

 

Barney shifts his weight to his other leg, bent slightly at the knee, and looks over Lee’s shoulder to see which picture it is.

 

It’s the one from her welcome party - he refuses to call it a fucking _baby shower_ \- in the hanger. The lighting’s terrible, and his hair and shirt are so dark it’d be hard for anybody to make out all the details.

 

Really, he tells himself, it’s ok if she doesn’t -

 

Mai’s breath suddenly hitches with excitement; she twists around in Lee’s arms, points straight at Barney chest. “Daddy!”

 

He feels like she’s pointing straight at his heart.

 

“ ‘ey - that’s right!” Lee jiggles her on his hip, gives her a kiss on the cheek. “It’s your daddy.”

 

Barney winks at her. Here’s lookin’ at you, kid.

 

She ‘winks’ back at him - an exaggerated two-eyed blink - and smiles, nose wrinkling and tongue peeking out between her sparse baby teeth.

 

“- and Daddy, and Mai,” Lee’s saying, pointing at each image in turn. “S’the day we brought you ‘ome.”

 

Barney flinches, feeling the warmth in his chest fading. He looks down at his feet, at the thin threads starting to work themselves loose from the hems of his Levis.

 

It’s not from the first day they brought her home. It’s from almost two weeks - and God only knows how many knock-down-drag-out fights - later.

 

The day they _actually_ brought her home wasn’t exactly his finest moment. His jaw clenches.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

“Come on, Lee,” Barney called from the doorway of the hut, bracing himself as the ground shook. The aerial attacks were getting closer. “Lee, we gotta hit the road.”

 

Lee stood rooted to the spot, staring at her. She stared right back at him, eyes unblinking, tiny hands curled around the lifeless fingers of her mother.

 

“I know it’s rough, Lee, but we gotta get outta here.” He heard rumbling, like the sound of the ground opening up around them to swallow them whole. Dust and flecks of compacted dirt rained down from the ceiling. “Come on.”

 

All he could think was, You gotta be fucking kidding me, as Lee stepped over the bodies of what he could only guess were her mother and father, crouching down to scoop her up with his hands under her armpits.

 

Lee tucked her into his side as he stood like he’d been doing it all his life. “Let’s go, then,” was all he said, and the next thing Barney knew Lee was shouldering past him out the door.

 

“Lee.”

 

Lee was striding for the plane, moving at a fast, determined clip as debris whipped through the air. The whistling sound of incoming fire not five hundred feet behind them was deafening as Barney shouted, “Lee!”

 

He caught up to him at the ramp - Lee had already zipped her up into his jacket, all Barney could see of her was her head and a tiny hand on Lee’s chest above his zipper, fingers twined in the fabric of his tee shirt.

 

Lee didn’t say a word, just stood there with feet apart and that stubborn tilt to his chin that meant he’d already made up his mind.

 

If looks could kill...

 

“Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!” Caesar called as he pounded up the ramp past them. He nearly broke his neck doing a double-take when he saw what Lee had bundled up in his jacket. “What the _fuck_? Is that a -?”

 

“Go!” Barney waved him up.

 

Toll clicked in over his radio. “Final head-count: everyone’s accounted for. Just waitin’ on you two assholes. Over.”

 

Barney saw the muscle tick in Lee’s jaw. Shit.

 

He held down the button on his shoulder comm. “Ten-four. Got a bit of a situation with Christmas here. Over.”

 

Toll’s irritated nag was clear as bells over the booming of gunfire and the crackling of interference. “We are _all_ about to have a situation if you two don’t get your asses on this plane.

 

Ok, Lee. Be reasonable.

 

“It’s not gettin’ on this plane, Lee. That’s not what we do.” Come on. “I’m sorry.”

 

Come on, Lee. Get on the Goddamn plane.

 

Lee never broke eye contact as he reached up - for his zipper, Barney thought at first. Thank God.

 

No, wait - not his zipper. His...

 

Nothing could have prepared him for the cold punch in the gut when Lee reached into the V of his tee shirt, fished out his tags, tugged them over his head, and flung them into the dirt at Barney’s feet.

 

Mother. Fuck.

 

It felt like someone turned the volume down on the sound as Barney stooped to pick Lee’s tags out of the dust. Everything they’d been through - Garza and Monroe, Vilain, Stonebanks - everything they’d built together, the _life_ they’d built together…

 

“Lee…”

 

Lee stood taller, lifted his chin higher. What’s it gonna be, Barney?

 

What’s it gonna be?

 

“Boys!”

 

At the top of the ramp, Luna was waving them to get-the-fuck-up-here-already, Galgo hovering at her elbow, tense and ready to catch her with a steadying hand as the ground lurched and rolled beneath them.

 

“Goddamn it,” Barney growled. He cocked his arm back, tossed the tags back at Lee. “Get your asses on the plane. That’s an order.”

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

“Oi.” He feels Lee’s hand, solid and warm on his shoulder. “What’s all this?”

 

Lee’s brow is furrowed, lips slightly parted as he searches Barney’s face.

 

Barney avoids Mai’s big black eyes as he mumbles, “Wasn’t the day we brought her home.”

 

Lee’s hand moves to grip the nape of his neck lightly.

 

Barney feels something hard at the base of his throat.

 

“It was,” Lee murmurs. He cups the back of Barney’s head, fingers threading through his hair, and drags him down until their foreheads touch.

 

“Daddy,” Mai coos, giving him a comforting _pat pat_ on the chest.

 

Kid’s like an emotional tuning fork, he thinks wryly.

 

He circles his arm around the two of them, rests his other hand on Lee’s hip.

 

Lee, their baby - how did he almost miss this? How did he almost throw this away?

 

His throat works. “Lee…”

 

“It was,” Lee repeats, pressing his mouth against Barney’s.

 

Anchoring him _here_. To _this_.

 

Mai makes a smooching sound. Barney feels Lee smile.

 

When they pull apart, Mai is making eyes at him, hands folded up under her chin. Tool calls it her ‘geisha look’.

 

Lee laughs. “Knows ‘ow to get what she wants.”

 

Barney chuckles. “Wonder where she gets that from.”

 

He tilts his head, taps his cheek. “Give your old man one right here.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *plot bunnies munch happily at carrots*
> 
> Ugh, so many baby-love scenes.
> 
> Barney: Don't you have somethin' better to do kid?  
> Pastel: *holds out hands* I am so sorry, Mr. Ross. Really.   
> Lee: *bouncing Mai on his knee and tickling under her chin and grinning* I think she's brilliant.  
> Mai: *leans over Lee's leg and pukes on the hanger floor*   
> Lee: Bugger me!  
> Barney: Oh yeah, real cute kid.  
> Pastel: *cowers* Please don't hurt me...


	3. Baby Be Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She’s Lee’s daughter. He loves Lee, Lee loves Mai, so he’s raising Mai. That’s the deal.
> 
> Wasn’t that the deal?

“Come on, baby, come on,” Barney mutters under his breath as he cranks the ratchet, muscles in his forearms and biceps trembling with the strain of loosening this last bolt. “Come on, you son of a bitch…”

 

The bolt thread creaks against the sheet metal and then -

 

“Ha!” He wipes the sweat off his forehead with the hem of his shirt.

 

Working the tip of a flathead screwdriver into the metal seam, he pries the panel off, exposing the wiring underneath for repair.

 

Off to the side of the hanger, six-month-old Mai gurgles happily on her playmat.

 

“Lookin’ good, Daddy-o,” Tool calls from the lawn chair next to Mai’s mat, _Cat in the Hat_ propped open on his lap and the latest issue of _Skin Deep_ laying next to his Corona.

 

“I’ll say.” Lee’s coming in through the door on the opposite side, finger hooked into the collar of the leather jacket slung over his shoulder and his aviators still on.

 

Mm-mm. Damn.

 

He’s got a twelve-pack of Newcastle and Mai’s diaper bag by the short handle in the other hand.

 

Time to face the strange changes.

 

Barney lays his forearms on top of the ladder, props one foot up a rung higher than the other.

 

“Hey good lookin’, whatcha got cookin’?”

 

“Come down ‘ere and find out,” Lee says with a cocky grin as he passes under Barney’s ladder.

 

“S’that my baby?” he asks in that soft slightly-higher pitch Barney’s still getting used to.

 

Lee Christmas - mercenary, knifeman, sucker for baby girls.

 

Barney shakes his head. God his life’s taken a hard left.

 

“Mah man,” Tool greets Lee from his chair with a low five. “Me and my lady were just talkin’ ‘bout all the pretty colors on this here blanket. Weren’t we, Miss Mai?”

 

Lee sets her diaper bag and the beer down, hanging his aviators in the V of his tee shirt as he crouches beside her. “ ‘ello, sweet’eart. You miss me? Your Da missed you, yes I did.”

 

Barney sniffs, streak of jealousy flashing in his gut like lightening in the distance.

 

“She like this?” Lee asks, jingling the free-standing mobile hanging above her. “What Toll call it?”

 

“An ‘activity gym’.” Barney’s climbing down the ladder. Might as well take a break. Not like there’s a run to get ready for.

 

He hides his grimace.

 

“Ah yah, s’right.” Lee squeezes one of the brightly colored animals.

 

“Doggie!” it chirps.

 

Mai shrieks with delight, pedaling her feet.

 

Lee grins. Tool lets out one of his smokey chuckles.

 

“Hey there, Papa bear,” Tool smiles warmly at Barney as he joins them.

 

Barney brushes his fingers along the back of Lee’s head, stubble prickling his fingertips pleasantly.

 

Lee pivots on his heel, turning his head in time to catch the palm of Barney’s hand with a kiss.

 

“Well, isn’t this a pretty picture?” Tool says around the pipe bit clenched in his teeth, corners of his eyes crinkling.

 

Barney snorts. “Sure, a real Norman Rockwell.”

 

Mai coos, kicking her feet.

 

Lee turns back to her, big hands reaching around and under her little body to slide her out from under her activity gym. He lifts her and cradles her to his chest, kissing her cheek. “What, bit?”

 

Mai hums, corners of her little baby mouth turned down in a frown. Lee smoothes down the wispy black hairs on her head, gives her bottom a gentle _pat pat_.

 

She smiles at him.

 

How’s he make it look so easy?

 

“You two been bondin’?” Lee asks as he stands, bouncing her on his hip. Barney doesn’t miss the hopeful lilt in his voice, or the way Lee’s looking at him with those soft brown eyes.

 

Barney scratches the back of his neck, looking sheepish as he hedges, “I’ve been teaching her about working on planes. That’s something dad’s do, right - teach their kids about mechanics?”

 

Lee makes a low disapproving sound in his throat.

 

Come on, Barney, try for me, his eyes say.

 

I want to, Lee. I really want to.

 

“You miss me?” Lee asks quietly and oh he knows Barney like the back of his hand.

 

Barney tries to sound nonchalant, like Lee reading his fucking mind is no big deal. Like this petty jealous-of-a-baby bullshit is no big deal. “Yeah, sure.”

 

The corner of Lee’s mouth twitches into that damned smile that’s half-affection and half-cocksuredness.

 

“I missed you,” Lee rumbles, shifting Mai further back on his hip as his free arm wraps around Barney’s waist. He tilts his chin up.

 

Barney smirks. If it pleases the court...

 

He dips his head, hand snaking around Lee’s hip and fanning against his lower back to press him closer as Barney catches Lee’s mouth with his.  

 

Time always seems to stop when Lee’s on him, touching him, so he’s not sure how long they’ve been at it when he feels a clumsy _tap tap_ on his cheek.

 

Lee smiles against his mouth - always feels nice - and murmurs, “Someone’s jealous.”

 

Barney almost winces, until he realizes Lee means the kid.

 

“It’s my turn,” Barney mutters, hoping it sounds light and sarcastic and not like a whine. He raises his hand to cup the back of Lee’s head as he kisses him deeply, teeth clicking together and his tongue winding around Lee's.

 

A more insistent - and somewhat slobbery - _tap tap_.

 

Lee chuckles, whispering against his lips, “Don’t think it’s me she wants.”

 

What?

 

Barney opens one eye, then the other, blinking a few times to make sure he’s getting this right.

 

Mai is watching his face intently; her mouth is working, lips trying to pucker like a fish’s.

 

“Wanton li’l thing, innit she?”

 

Barney snorts.

 

She makes a frustrated noise when Barney doesn’t get the hint, kicking her feet and reaching for his mouth. Her fingers are glistening with drool.

 

He tries not to make a face.

 

“Go on then,” Lee hikes her up higher, his chest still pressed to Barney’s. “Give ‘er a kiss.”

 

Haltingly, Barney leans down and gives her a quick peck on the forehead.

 

“Not like that!” Lee heckles. “Kiss ‘er proper.”

 

For the love of God.

 

He presses a gentle smooch to her cheek, right below her eye.

 

She wriggles, squealing.

 

Barney jerks back, not sure what that means. He can feel Lee laughing.

 

“Hey Mikey, she likes it,” Tool calls from his lawn chair.

 

“Really?” He kisses her again, this time on the nose.

 

She gurgles, beaming.

 

Well I’ll be damned.

 

He doesn’t overthink it as his hands slide under her armpits and he lifts her out of Lee’s arms, stepping away from Lee. He tucks her bottom snug into the crook of his elbow, feels the warmth of her weight pressed into his chest. He kisses the corner of her mouth.

 

She sighs, sticking her fingers in her mouth and blinking up at him adoringly.

 

Her lashes always been that long? he wonders. She looks like a doll.

 

“You like that, Mai-mai?” He kisses her ear. She takes her fingers out of her mouth, flaps her arms, smiling.

 

He laughs. She laughs.

 

Crazy kid.

 

Lee’s at his elbow, shoulders relaxed and hands on his hips as he watches the two of them. Barney hasn’t seen Lee smile at him like that since - well, since they brought her home.

 

They brought her home. They.

 

“Barney Ross - you dog!”

 

Barney starts.

 

Smiley is leading the pack of kids, minus Luna, across the hanger. “You puttin’ the moves on my girl, old man?”

 

“Your girl?” It only feels a little awkward as Barney shifts Mai to his other hip. He tightens his squeeze on her, worried she'll tip out of his grip as she sways towards Smiley. “You think I’m gonna let her date some punk kid?”

 

Smiley gives him a wide, good-natured smile. “Do I look like I’m askin’ permission?”

 

Lee snorts.

 

Barney bites back a grin. “No way, Jose. Sides, you’re too old for her.”

 

“What’s wrong with an older bloke?” Lee asks.

 

It’s Barney’s turn to snort. “Go start the charcoal,” he tells Smiley with a head jerk to the side door.

 

Smiley gives Mai’s chin a little tickle as he saunters past. “Already on it.”

 

“- it’s not too much! She _needs_ this; I’m just making sure she has what she _needs_ -”

 

“-damn it, _I am telling you:_ it’s too much. She owns half of Babies-R-Us already -”

 

Mai looks curiously at the hanger door as the sound of bickering gets closer and closer.

 

“- I do _not_ buy that cheap Chinese shit; it's coated in lead and BPA -”

 

Tool looks up from his magazine, having abandoned _Cat in the Hat._ “Toll and Caesar here?”

 

“Yep.”

 

Toll’s carrying what looks like another ‘educational toy’ under his arm, double-timing it to keep up with Caesar’s long stride.

 

Great, something else that makes a racket.

 

Luna and Galgo are right behind them. Or rather, Luna is right behind them and Galgo is a half-step behind her.

 

Always watching her back.

 

His daughter needs a boy like that, he thinks.

 

His daughter?

 

No, Lee’s daughter. She’s Lee’s daughter. He loves Lee, Lee loves Mai, so he’s raising Mai. That’s the deal.

 

Wasn’t that the deal?

 

“Jou hab the baby? Oh good.”

 

Still reeling, Barney doesn’t have time to react as Galgo gently tugs Mai out of his arms, peppering her face with noisy kisses.

 

Hey! That’s _their_ thing!

 

Their thing? What the _fuck_.

 

“Hi baby Mai,” Luna coos, shaking Mai’s little hand, oblivious to the goopy look Galgo’s giving her.

 

“Want’s one of ‘is own,” Lee says lowly, propping his elbow on Barney’s shoulder.

 

Barney huffs, annoyed at the pinch in his chest. “I want _mine_ back.”

 

Their eyes meet.

 

“You mean that?”

 

Yeah, I do. Shit. Fuck. Goddamn.

 

“Yeah,” Barney nods. “I do.”

 

Lee blows out a breath and laughs, relieved and elated and excited. For them. For the three of them.

 

“Knew you would.”

 

Barney grins, throwing his arm around Lee’s waist. “Well they do say ‘father knows best’.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These drabbles won't be chronological - the plot bunnies won't like up single-file alphabetically or by number. *sighs*
> 
> Anywho - Lee strikes me as an "in with both feet" sort of bloke, whereas Barney... Babies are a big life change, and *pretty* disruptive, even the planned and highly anticipated ones. 
> 
> It might take homeboy a few minutes to find his footing as a new dad. Right before he loses it and falls head-over-heels for his new baby girl, that is ;)


	4. Baby It's Cold Outside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Pack it up,” Barney snaps, shoving Lee lightly and swiping his spy novel off the bench. He looks around for Mai’s diaper bag, spots it hanging from the handle of her stroller. “We’re rollin’ in five.”
> 
> “Can’t wait to roll with you,” Lee shoots back with a leer as Barney stands and stoops to pick Mai’s sunhat up off the ground.
> 
> Barney smacks it against his leg a few times to dust it off as he grins.
> 
> “Back attcha, babe.”

If there’s one time of year Barney likes best, it’s fall.

 

Lee’s more of a summer guy - he likes the way the hot sun feels when he’s out for a run, likes how the heat wafts up in shimmering waves off the asphalt and how the cold saltwater nips at his skin as he rushes into the ocean.

 

Barney hates the beach, hates getting sand in his shoes and his shorts and up his ass crack, hates being soaked in sweat by the time he gets down the driveway to check the mailbox. He hates the crowds too; Southern California is swamped with tourists in the summer, and the throngs of people as far as the eye can see make him itch for the mountains or the plains.

 

But this time of year, the kids are back in school (another thing he never really connected the dots on until Mai), the looky-loos pack up and ship out, and there’s a breeze coming in off the Pacific. It’s early days yet - barely mid-way through September - but the days are a little cooler and the nights are a little longer.

 

Barney looks out at the playground. This time of day, it’s usually just him and Lee and a gaggle or two of housewives and their kids at the park near their house. Sure enough, a group of young mothers supervise their rambunctious toddlers near the slide set as they sip Starbucks coffees and gossip amicably.

 

Three-year-old Mai is a couple yards away in the sandbox, digging busily with her shovel and pail. She’s wearing a little red sundress Luna bought for her. It’s dotted with black polka dots and says _Little Ladybug_ in white embroidery across the chest.

 

It’ll be time to buy Mai some long-sleeves soon.

 

He glances at Lee beside him to him. His arms are draped across the back of the bench they're sitting on, head laid back, soaking in the last of the summer sun. The tiny red-and-black sunhat that matches Mai’s dress is capped on one of his knees.

 

Good thinking. No telling how many shoes and socks she’s buried in that sandbox.

 

Barney folds the corner of the page to mark his place and sets his book on the bench next to him.

 

“Mai needs clothes.”

 

Lee’s head lolls forward; he tips his aviators down over his nose unhurriedly.

 

“What you mean? She’s got loads of clothes.”

 

Barney nods at her. “She needs warmer clothes. It’s getting colder.”

 

Lee looks across the playground, lazy smile spreading across his face at the sight of Mai’s determined digging.

 

There’s a little furrow in her brow as she concentrates on carefully dumping each scoop of sand into her pail. Her tiny pink tongue peeks out one side of her mouth.

 

Damn, they gotta cute kid.

 

“Nah,” Lee waves his hand, pushing his sunglasses back up. “S’not New Jersey, is it? Won’t get below sixty before January.”

 

No, Pasadena’s nothing like Jersey. The leaves don’t change, for one.

 

Fucking California weather confuses the hell outta his fruit trees.

 

Barney misses Monroe. He always gets a yen for his hometown this time of year, for the cranberry bogs and the smell of burning leaves and his mother’s pumpkin and sage butter gnocci.

 

Ma.

 

He watches Mai tamp down the sand in her bucket with her shovel.

 

Ma woulda loved her.

 

“Whatdya say we take a trip down memory lane?” The words surprise Barney as much as Lee.

 

“What? You mean Jersey?”

 

Barney shrugs.

 

“Sure, why not? Take the squirt, stay in Princeton. We could drive - hitch the trailer, bring the bikes. The foliage is like nothin’ you’ve ever seen up there.”

 

Lee stretches, neck popping, as he considers. Barney notices with a jerk that Lee’s forehead creases exactly the way Mai’s does when he’s thinking. Or maybe it’s Mai’s that’s exactly like Lee’s?

 

It’s that nurture-over-nature-soul’s-connection shit Toll’s always talking about.

 

Is she like me? he can’t help wondering.

 

“- show me around a bit. Think it’d be nice,” Lee’s saying. He inclines his head towards Mai. “S’long as the Misses is agreeable to it.”

 

Lee gives her a long, low whistle through his teeth to get her attention. The Mai Call, they’ve dubbed it.

 

She looks up and around for Lee, spotting him with a harrumph and a sassy little wave of her shovel that says, I'm _busy_ , Da. Don’t bother me.

 

Barney chuckles, cupping the side of his mouth with a hand as he calls, “Hey, baby girl.”

 

She smiles, nose crinkling, and blows him a kiss.

 

He catches it, smacks himself in the cheek with it, grunting, “Uh!”

 

She giggles at him, You’re so silly, Daddy, and goes back to her digging.

 

Lee grins. “She’s your girl, alright.”

 

Barney curls his arm around Lee’s shoulders, half-smile on his face as he watches her play. “Our girl.”

 

Lee hums, resting his head back on Barney’s bicep.

 

“Prettiest little lady you ever did see,” Barney murmurs as she wipes her bangs out of her eyes and scoots forward a few inches to find a fresh patch of sand. It's probably all in her dress and her panties and her diaper.

 

Great.

 

Lee doesn’t raise his head as he grins. “She’s pretty alright. Just like ‘er Da.”

 

The flirtatious edge in Lee’s tone sends a zing through Barney’s gut. He snorts, decides to play it cool. “No way - that’s a Ross jawline, if I ever saw one.”

 

He feels Lee’s arm lift off the bench. His fingers card lightly through Barney’s hair. “Mm, might be. Got that 'air of yours, for sure.”

 

“Thank God.” Barney squeezes his thigh. There’s an answering tug in his hair.

 

He feels heat stir in his low belly as he asks, “What time is it?”

 

Gotta be close to her naptime.

 

“I’d wager it’s time for ‘er nap,” Lee answers casually, rubbing firm circles into the knot on Barney’s neck.

 

An image of Lee in front of him on his knees and forearms, back bowed as Barney pumps into him from behind, flashes in his mind.

 

Eyes on Lee’s mouth, he says, “Better take her home, then. You know how she gets when she misses her nap.”

 

Lee finally tips his chin down, looking at Barney over the tops of his aviators. “Know ‘ow I get when I miss mine.”

 

Damn.

 

“Lee,” Barney warns in that boy-what-have-I-told-you-about-rattling-my-cage-in-public tone.

 

Blunt fingernails raking lightly over Barney’s scalp, Lee slips his sunglasses up with his other hand and smirks.

 

“Come on, Daddy,” he rumbles. “Baby needs a nap.”

 

Barney inhales sharply through his nose and Goddamnit Lee knows how to wind him up like a fucking pitch.

 

Lee kisses him, thin lips slanting over his and hot little tongue stroking into his mouth before Barney has time to overthink it. He cups Lee’s jaw, pad of his thumb rubbing the stubble on Lee’s cheek and jaw.

 

A breeze rustles the leaves on the trees above them. Children shriek and laugh as they play.

 

The edges of his mind start to blur as Lee turns into him, one hand hooking up over Barney’s bicep and the other cupping the back of Barney’s head to drag him closer as their chests press together. All Barney can hear is the sound of them kissing and the sweet noises Lee’s making for him in the back of his throat as he touches Lee’s face, his neck. Lee squeezes Barney’s bicep, and Barney flexes for him, revelling in his gravelly, “Mm-nhm.”

 

Barney’s getting hard, and a new image is materializing, one of Lee stretched out buttass naked on top of this park bench and Barney on top of him-

 

“Whoa there,” he rasps as they pull apart, trying to catch his breath as the tip of Lee’s tongue flicks along the seam of his lips. “Let’s… hold our… horses… Lee-”

 

Lee’s soft pants puffs against Barney’s face; he’s grinding slightly into Barney’s thigh.

 

Mai. Mai-mai.

 

Barney glances at the sandbox. “The baby-”

 

“I’m watchin’ ‘er,” Lee growls, half-horny half-insulated.

 

Barney can’t help a smirk as he drawls, “Well excuse me, Christmas. Didn’t realize you had eyes in the back of your head.”

 

“Yah?” Lee digs his hard-on into Barney’s thigh as he says, “‘ow bout your cock in the back’a my throat? Can you picture that?”

 

Holy. Shit.

 

“Pack it up,” Barney snaps, shoving Lee lightly and swiping his spy novel off the bench. He looks around for Mai’s diaper bag, spots it hanging from the handle of her stroller. “We’re rollin’ in five.”

 

“Can’t wait to roll with you,” Lee shoots back with a leer as Barney stands and stoops to pick Mai’s sunhat up off the ground.

 

Barney smacks it against his leg a few times to dust it off as he grins.

 

“Back attcha, babe.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pastel stands timidly at edge of the deep-end of the slash pool, peering into the water. "I don't know, guys..."
> 
> If you're happy and you know it, leave a review! *clap clap*


	5. When No One Is Around You, Say "Baby I Love You"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is set right after Baby Be Mine, while Barney is still trying to understand his developing feelings for Mai, and the changes in his feelings for Lee.

“Lee?” Barney gruffs, eyes still stuck together at the lashes. He tries to clear his throat - it’s more like a rasping and dry-mouthed grunt - and he calls again, “Lee?”

 

He glances at the digital clock on the nightstand. Four-thirty.

 

He’d roll his eyes if they weren’t glued together with grit.

 

Who needs sleep, anyway? 

 

It’s a painful process, dragging himself out of bed in the mornings. His face creases when he sits up at the edge of the bed and his lower back pinches tightly.

 

“Jesus age Christ.”

 

In just his briefs and a tee shirt- bending over to pull on a pair of sweats before his back's warmed up is out of the question - he shuffles out into the living room, thumbing the sand out of his eyes with a grim expression.

 

The first thing he notices is Lucille Ball, her black-and-white image looking sheepish and sweet as she whines over laugh-track, “Rick-ee!”

 

The second thing is Lee’s soft snores; he spots the crown of Lee’s head tipped back against the top of the sofa. 

 

The third thing he notices is Mai.

 

She's awake, like she's been waiting for him. Her dark eyes study him closely as he comes up behind the couch, her head tilting back a little to stare up at him when he stops behind Lee and breathes quietly, “Hey, kid.”

 

She’s standing in Lee’s lap, her tiny feet on either of his thighs, toes curling into him to keep her balance. Her fingers are twined in the soft fabric of his tee shirt, little knees bending and straightening as she wavers forward and back, searching for her center of balance. The only light in the living room is the one from the TV, bathing the two of them in a soft, shifting glow.

 

His chest aches.

 

“Bah,” she chirps at him, irreverent of his melancholy or Lee’s rhythmic snoring.

 

Behind her, Desi Arnaz is wagging his finger as he scolds Lucille.

 

“Shh, hey. Keep it down,” he whispers to her, glancing at Lee - mouth open, every line in his face slack, shoulders dropped and palms up and open on either side of his thighs. 

 

He levels Mai a look, pressing a thick finger to his lips. “Shh.”

 

“Bah!” She tugs a little at Lee’s shirt for emphasis, oblivious to Lee’s minute snort. “Bah bah bah-”

 

“Ok, alright.” Barney holds up his hands, I give in, and reaches over the couch and over Lee for her.

 

Her black eyes widen a little; she like to play this game with him. I want you, I don’t want you. I want you, I don’t want you…

 

“Too late, kid,” he murmurs, huge hands closing ever-so-gently around her soft waist. His thumbs overlap over her plump little belly and he’s able to lace his fingers behind her back all the way to the joint-

 

Lee’s hands clamp around his forearms, strong and firm, making him jerk with surprise.

 

“Stop.”

 

“It’s me, babe.” Barney swallows, feeling his back tense and adrenaline tingle in his toes. 

 

You know better than to surprise him, jackass.

 

“Bah,” Mai vouches, giving Lee’s chest a double-handed slap-slap. “Bah da bah-bah.”

 

Lee grunts, nodding. His hands relax around Barney’s forearms, and Barney feels an echoing relief in his gut. Lee smiles lazily up at him, tipping his head back a little more against the back of the sofa.

 

Barney obliges, feeling a stretch through his back that isn’t altogether unpleasant as he stoops to kiss Lee’s wide, thin mouth.

 

“Mwua,” Mai imitates, her eyes are narrowed with suspicion as she watches the two of them kiss. She taps her mouth with her chubby hand, tiny fingers splayed wide.

 

“One for me,” Lee’s deep, lilted rumble is rough with sleep.

 

Barney holds back a sigh. Christ.

 

Stretching a little more, he presses a soft kiss to Mai’s cheek. She squirms in his grip, ducking her head and watching him bashfully from beneath her bangs.

 

“One for bit,” Lee hums approvingly before closing his eyes again. Take it from ‘ere, Barney. 

 

As if he’s got the first fucking clue.

 

“C’mon, kiddo.” He lifts Mai easily from Lee’s lap; her knees lock and her tiny toes flex and point as he raises her high in the air.

 

Super baby, Lee calls her when she does that, sweeping her through the air with dramatic whooshing sounds.

 

You’ll never be like that. The thought strikes Barney like the crack of a whip, and he flinches as he tucks Mai into the crook of his elbow.

 

She makes a soft whimpering sound, reaching one hand for the back of Lee’s head.

 

“Hush,” Lee tells her without looking as he settles deeper into the sofa.

 

She whines more insistently, wriggling in Barney’s arm, and he wonders if maybe he was wrong-

 

Lee’s hand reaches back over the couch, swaying a little as it searches for her. When his long fingers brush her plump baby arm, he strokes her lightly. 

 

“Da.”

 

“Right ‘ere.” He rises a little, craning his neck to look back at her. She squints to make out his face in the dim, shifting light the TV projects onto him. Lee stretches to smooth the tips of his fingers over her silky black bob. “I’m right ‘ere, bit.”

 

Even holding her, even standing two Goddamn feet away, Barney feels like the third wheel.

 

Until Lee taps her chubby cheek with one finger and gruffs, “Go with your Bah-bee.”

 

“I don’t want her callin’ me that,” Barney huffs, hiking her higher up his hip.

 

He catches Lee’s smirk as he retracts his arm and nestles back into the couch. “Let ‘er do what she likes.”

 

Lee’s parental anthem: Let her do what she likes.

 

“Good thing you got me, kid,” he whispers to her, turning her comfortingly into his chest. His large hand completely encompasses her bottom as he pat-pats her.

 

She burrows her face against him, mollified.

 

Getting her into her high chair is a different story altogether, though. 

 

Lee spoils her, keeping her tucked snug in the crook of his elbow while he putters about the kitchen, making bottles and cereals one-handed. He lets her sit in his lap while he eats, feeding her from his fingers like a bushman.

 

“Why would I put ‘er in  _ that?” _ he’d snap back whenever Barney nagged about the high chair. “She’s not for looks.”

 

Always wants to hold her, touch her, talk to her, and he makes it look so damn easy-

 

Mai whimpers and kicks, drawing him back to the task at hand. She’s figured out how to splay her little legs so he can’t get her feet into their compartments. 

 

“Kid,” he sighs. “C’mon. It’s five AM - cut me some slack?”

 

“Da,” she coos pitifully, the corners of her little pink mouth curled down in a pout. It has the effect of making her round cheeks look larger. “Da-ah-”

 

“No, ma’am.” In a tactical maneuver, he ducks his head to press breathy kisses into her ears, switching back and forth between them.

 

She squeals, scrunching her shoulders up and pedaling her feet as she squirms with delight.

 

Gottcha, he thinks as he catches one foot in its compartment and then the other. She slides effortlessly into her seat, realizing his plan all-too-late.

 

“Bah!” she howls, no longer amused. Her little face scrunches as she pushes ineffectually at her tray. 

 

Bending so that he’s almost eye-level with her, he braces his hands on his knees. “It’s Dad-dee. Can you say Dad-dee?”

 

“Uhn…” Her arms reach upward, hands pinching in the air, Pick me up. “Uhn-”

 

“Mai.” He strokes his hand over her jet black hair to stem her whine. “You want a banana, Mai?”

 

He re-fucking-fuses to use that higher-pitched voice and silly words like, “nana-wana”. Let Lee and Gunner make asses of themselves.

 

“Nah nah,” she tries, fat tears still clinging to the corners of her eyes even as she watches his face intently.

 

“Bah-nah-nah,” he repeats as he brushes them away.

 

“Bah-bee.”

 

Christ. “No, Dad-dee.”

 

“Nah nah, Bah-bee.”

 

He’s got his marching orders.

 

“Well, I gotta get the damn thing,” he huffs at her indignant squeal when he turns towards the counter with the fruit basket.

 

Choosing a ripe one, he drags a chair in front of her and sits. “Bah-nah-nah,” he repeats over-and-over as he peels it. 

 

It’s comical the way her eyes follow each section of peel down the length of the banana, before zipping back up to the top to watch another.

 

Damn cute kid.

 

He breaks it into rough sections, setting them in a row on her tray. Instead of picking one up, she promptly grinds it with the heel of her hand.

 

“Hey hey hey, don’t do that, Mai.” He scoops a bit of banana mash with his finger and offers it to her.

 

He has to suppress a snort as she opens her mouth as wide as it will go. It’s a strange sensation, her ridged gums gnawing his knuckle as she clamps down to suck off the banana. His finger comes away covered in slobber, and he grimaces.

 

“Nah nah,” she instructs before she opens her mouth wide again.

 

“Bah-nah-nahs are yell-oo,” he tells her as he feeds her another scoop.

 

That’s nice, Bah-bee, her look says as she suckles.

 

Halfway through her banana, she holds her hand palm-out in her in front of her face and pushes his finger away. “Poon.”

 

“You want some cereal?”

 

Her head cocks to one side, big black eyes blinking at him. 

 

“Spoon?” he tries.

 

“Poon,” she huffs, Isn’t that what I said?

 

“You’re Lee all over, girl,” he mutters, pushing up with a grunt to get her some cereal. She whimpers as he moves out of her line of sight.

 

Yep, little-Lee alright.

 

He plunks back down, careful not to slosh her Cheerios onto her tray as he sets her bowl down. 

 

“Ser-ee-ahl,” he sounds out for her.

 

She’s completely tuned him out, focusing intently on the spoon as he dips it into the bowl. He didn’t think it’s possible, but she opens her mouth even wider.

 

“Good?” 

 

She chews noisily, milk dribbling down her chin as she blinks at him.

 

Fine. “Yummy?”

 

“Yum,” she hums, little bits of masticated cereal rolling out of her mouth. Her head bobs rhythmically as she picks up the tune, “Yum yum yum” as she chews, pausing only for more spoonfuls of cereal.

He gets in a groove with her, timing her spoonfuls so that her bouncing dance isn’t interrupted. The insides of her feet tap together as her small fingers tickle the browning pieces of banana still on her tray.

 

“That’s yummy, huh baby?” He’s just trying to stay quiet - that’s why his voice is so soft and high. He doesn’t want to wake up Lee.

 

“Bah-bee,” she praises, wrinkling her nose at him and giving him a smile full of cereal.

 

“Mai-mai,” he sings back at her, beyond caring what she calls him. He’s her focus for once; she tracks each move he makes, studies his face, listens for his soft coos. Her feet pedal and her gums flash whenever he calls her name.

 

His baby.

 

“Do you like that? Is that yummy, pretty baby?” He tips another small spoonful of Cheerios into her mouth as her hands slap the tray excitedly. “Quello è buono, Mai-nina? Eh? Piace quello, mia passerottina?”

 

She reaches for him, fingers flexing. He leans in, kissing her forehead, her nose, her wet cheeks. 

 

“Sei tu il mia bambina, piccola? Sei tu il mia bambina? Si.” He nods, curling his lips to cover his teeth and taking her chubby hand in his mouth. He tastes bananas and cereal as he pretends to eat her fingers - her shrieking laugh vibrates in his ears. “Si, sei la mia bambina-”

 

“Da!”

 

“Che cos’e, piccola?” He rubs his nose to hers, watching her long black lashes as she smiles and blinks. “Che cose’e, eh?”

 

“Da,” she repeats, straining to look past his enormous shoulder.

 

He glances back and does a double-take so fast his neck pops.

 

Lee, leaning in the kitchen doorway, hip cocked and arms folded across his chest. 

 

“Ah, c’mon,” Barney gruffs, more comfortable with the pinch in his neck than the throbbing ache behind his ribs at the look on Lee’s face.

 

Lee ducks his head, glancing at the tile as his lips twitch to hide a grin. “Didn’t say a word, did I?”

 

Barney gropes for anything: irritation, annoyance, hell he’ll even take embarrassed. Anything other than-

 

Too late. Lee’s pushed off the doorframe and crossed the kitchen to crouch beside Mai. His face, lined and shaded with stubble, next to hers, pale and perfectly smooth, is everything.

 

“S’alright,” he feels Lee’s hand, big and strong, squeezing his thigh. “Easy does it, nice an’ slow, yeah?”

 

He means breathe, jackass. You have to _ breathe. _

 

“Bah-bee,” Mai calls softly. Silly rabbit, her expression says. 

 

“God, I miss Ma,” Barney breathes, scrubbing his hands over his face.

 

Where the hell had that come from?

 

Lee squeezes his thigh again. "Barney-"

 

“She’s a good eater.” Barney clears his throat, and says a little louder, a little stronger, “She’s a good talker, too.”

 

Lee nods slowly. “She’s a smart girl.”

 

“Da,” Mai holds up a piece of pinched banana. “Nah nah?”

 

"Oh yes, thank you." Lee lets her feed it to him, ignoring Barney’s wince as he tells her, “Mm, I love bananas.”

 

She nods, Fair enough. 

 

Barney barks a laugh. It’s just too fucking cute.

 

“You’re too cute, kid. Wish you’d call your old man Dad.”

 

Lee doesn’t miss his rueful smile. “She’s learnin’.”

 

Barney gives him a pointed look. “Yeah, Christmas, no kidding.”

 

“Want me tah start callin’ you Daddy, then?” Lee’s tone is light and conversational, but there’s a wicked slant to his mouth as he gives Barney a sidelong look. 

 

“Lee-”

 

“Just sayin’ - s’how she learned to call you Barney. Me sayin’ it.” He shrugged a shoulder, Mister Nonchalant. “She’s like a little parakeet.”

 

“Passerottina,” he hums in agreement.

 

“What’s that?” Lee’s watching Mai’s face as she suckles a bit of banana off his thick fingers.

 

“Like a little bird.”

 

“Got your  _Daddy_ talkin’ all kinds a’sexy nonsense, dontcha?” Lee grinned at Mai, a wide-mouthed grin. “You get a sweet for that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Quello è buono, Mai-nina? Eh? Piace quello, mia passerottina?"   
> "Is that good, little Mai? Huh? Like that, little sparrow?"
> 
> “Sei tu il mia bambina, piccola? Sei tu il mia bambina? Si.”  
> Are you my baby, little one? Are you my baby girl? Yes."
> 
> “Che cos’e, piccola? Che cos'e, eh?"  
> "What is it, little one? What is it, huh?"


	6. Stay Baby Stay, Stay With Your Man A While

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because sometimes parenting *isn't* as easy as 1-2-3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say how much I enjoying sharing this archive with the Expendables community. You guys are so awesome.

“‘ere,” Lee held out a beer to him by the neck. “Want anythin’ else, somethin’ for ‘er?”

 

He nodded at their eighteen-month-old squirming in Barney’s lap.

 

She matched his wide-mouthed smile with a gummy one of her own, flashing a few of her flat baby teeth. “Da.”

 

“What, nip?” Lee scrunched his face playfully, bending to touch his forehead to hers. “Wanna crisp? Hm? S’that what my baby wants?”

 

She squeezed her eyes and wrinkled her nose, one hand reaching up to tap Lee’s jaw.

 

“She didn’t want her Chex,” Barney told Lee, watching her bat her long dark lashes against her round little cheeks.

 

“Huh!” Lee took in a big, excited breath and made an exaggerated surprise-face. “You didn’t want your munchies? You love your munchies.”

 

She giggled, You’re so silly, Da.

 

“Should we try it?” Lee asked him seriously, and Barney had a flash of Lee in the field, hands propped on his hips and his jaw tight as he surveyed a tactical map. _Should we try it?_

 

Barney shrugged one shoulder; she wasn’t fussing for a snack. At least, not yet. “We can.”

 

Lee dropped a kiss in his hair as he straightened. Barney glanced at the spread of lawn chairs near the middle of the hanger, where the gang was gathered around folding tables, showing off for each other as they played cards and talked shop.

 

Lee opened his mouth to say something and then snapped it shut again. “I’ll get the Chex.”

 

“We’ll be here,” Barney raised his beer to take a sip.

 

“Whoa, easy kid-” Barney clamped his thighs together, narrowly avoiding a sharp baby knee to the groin as she turned over in his lap. The nylon camping chair creaked threateningly under their weight. “Careful, Mai.”

 

Unperturbed, Mai fisted her little hands in his tee shirt and hauled herself up to standing, the heels of her white sandals digging into his thighs, and found her center of balance before she reached for his beer.

 

“No, ma’am.” Barney held the beer high and away, stretching his hand back behind his head so her reach would tip her balance. She toppled into his chest, her nose butting the line between his pecs.

 

“What?” he smirked at her frustrated _hurumph,_ one hand twisting and tugging at his shirt and the other pushing flat-palmed against his chest, like she couldn’t decide how to stand up again.

 

She tipped her head back to glare up at him through her blunt bangs. Curling three tiny fingers into her palm, she pointed emphatically at his beer and demanded, “Dat.”

 

Her face scrunched in indignation at his chuckle. “I don’t think so, sweetheart.”

 

There was a high-pitched whine in the back of her throat, exactly like a springer spaniel Barney had as a kid, and then a more desperate, “Miiine-”

 

He cut off her huff with a noisy kiss on one corner of her mouth. She smiled, forgetting her target for a brief second. But she was learning his tricks, and quickly refocused her attention on the beer dangling by its bottleneck behind his head.

 

“Daaht, Daddy,” she mewled pitifully, tugging at his shirt. Can’t you see how cruel this is?

 

“No.”

 

Her round, pretty face pinching in anger, she drew herself up and smacked him in the mouth. “Dat!”

 

“Hey,” Barney wagged a finger sternly in her face. “No, ma’am. We do _not_ hit people.”

 

She paused long enough to serve him Lee’s trademark go-fuck-yourself look before she reared back and slapped him again. “Dat miiine!”

 

This time he caught her tiny wrist between two thick fingers, jerking her just enough to pull her attention off the beer and onto him as he told her in a deep rumble, “No. Hitting. Mai.”

 

She threw her head back and wailed.

 

“Lookey here, Miss Mai.” Barney felt her weight shift and disappear as Tool took her by the waist in a gentle two-handed hold. Face scrunched in a sob, she howled, “Dah-deeeee!”

 

Tool wasn’t fazed in the least; he settled her against his cocked hip and tugged her short red sundress over the back of her diaper.

 

“Uh-uh, there’s no crying in Toolland, Miss Mai,” he told her seriously, looking her in the eye.

 

She pressed a furious little finger into his cheek, Stay out of this. “Dah-de-ee-ee!”

 

Like some sort of Swede-signal, Gunner swooped in at her cry, crooning, “Ooo mah, brown-eyed girl,” as he stooped to stick his massive face between Mai’s and Tool’s over Tool’s shoulder.

 

Barney snorted as Mai’s face melted into triumph; she pointed straight as his beer and commanded Gunner, “Dat.”

 

Sic ‘em.

 

“C’mon, Mai,” Gunner tried to reason. Even at its softest pitch, his deep voice sounded like the rumble of thunder. “That’s not for babies. Do you want a juicy-juice?”

 

“Dat!” she shrieked. Barney felt his gut kick when she suddenly threw her head back, her little body flopping backwards over Tool’s arm.

 

Tool grunted as he hastily bent almost ninety degrees in the other direction, trying to tip her back upright, at the same time Gunner’s hand shot out like he was catching a nuclear detonator before it landed launch button-down.

 

Oblivious to her own peril, Mai dragged in a breath, her plump belly swelling with air, and wailed. The sound was deafening, echoing through the metal hanger. Conversations around the beer cooler and card table paused, Barney heard Galgo’s worried, “Que pasa, mijita?” and Mars’ sighed, “Here we go…”

 

Gunner’s enormous hand encompassed the entire back of her as he gently pushed her upright. “No no, Mai. Look - look at Gummy!” He contorted his face into a cross-eyed, lolling-tongued idiot. “Look look look-”

“Miss Mai,” Tool’s smoky rasp tried for admonishment. He jiggled her on his hip, arm firmly clamped around her waist as he tried to straighten the red flower headband that had slipped in her hair.

 

She swiped at him viciously, her face crumpled as she let out another stuttering scream.

 

“Mai,” Barney warned.

 

“Alright.”

 

Here he comes to save the day, Barney thought mockingly, watching Lee step in. Super-enabler Dad.

 

“Lee, c’mon,” Barney held up a hand, _Stop._ “They’re handling it-”

 

Lee ignored him, shoulder blades flexing beneath his tight tee shirt as he wrapped both hands around his squalling toddler and lifted. “Whassa mattah, sweet’eart? Huh? Whas wrong? Tell Da was wrong.”

 

Mai wrapped her short, plump arms around Lee’s thick neck and buried her face in his shirt collar, sobbing.

 

“Oh my baby,” Lee soothed, rubbing her little back as her body jerked with each sob. His face started to crease in pain as she whimpered, “Da-ah-ah…”

 

Barney and Tool shared a look.

 

“Christmas,” Tool started cautiously.

 

Lee cut off whatever was next with a defensive, “She’s just ‘ad a nap - she’s fussy.”

 

Another glance between them, and Barney was sure Tool had the same tight-mouthed expression he did. “No, she’s spoiled.”

 

Lee visibly jerked at the accusation. Barney didn’t think it was possible for him to clutch her tighter, but Lee managed it. “She is not. She’s li’le - she doesn’t know-”

 

“You spoil her.”

 

Gunner wisely retreated to the folded table the kids had set up for hamburger and dog fixings as Barney sat up in his chair and propped his elbows on his knees. There were quiet murmurs and the sound of shifting chairs as the camp divided.

 

Lee and Barney had been having this little spat off-and-on for the past three months; about half the gang agreed now that Mai was a little more precocious, she needed some _healthy boundaries,_ as Toll called them. The other half thought this was Mai’s world, and everyone was just paying rent.

 

Lee settled her on his hip, smoothing her bangs out of her eyes and bouncing her gently as he wiped tears and snot off her face.

 

Absolutely whipped, Barney thought with an exasperated sigh. “Lee-”

 

“Sod off.”

 

Barney blinked. “Well, that’s real mature.”

 

“I mean it,” Lee snapped back. “Just lay off ‘er.”

 

“I’m not _on_ her, Christmas-”

 

“Like ‘ell! You were barkin’ at ‘er this mornin’-”

 

This morning? Did he mean- “She was trying to climb out of her chair-”

 

“She doesn’t _like_ the bloody chair-”

 

“Who gives a shit?” Barney knew from the stunned look on Lee’s face he’d pushed the envelope, but enough was enough already. “She can’t do whatever she wants, Lee.”

 

Lee was jiggling her faster now, her expression transformed for whimpering pout to delight as her bob bounced around her face. It’d be damned cute, if Lee didn’t look ready to knock Barney’s lights out.

 

Lips curling back over his teeth, Lee started to tick off, “She’s not allowed to cry, she’s not allowed to move, she’s not allowed to talk-”

 

Barney caught Luna and Galgo’s stricken expressions at the accusation out of the corner of his eye. He pointed his finger straight at Lee. “I never said that.”

 

“Yes you fuckin’ did,” he snarled. “In the car-”

 

“She wasn’t talking, she was _yelling._ I was driving- I can’t concentrate on the road with her back there makin’ that racket,” Barney cut in, his voice deep and even. “And _don’t_ talk to me like that.”

 

Wrong move, Barney realized too late, watching Lee swell with a retort.

 

 _“Fuck_ you, Ross. I’ll say whatever the _fuck_ I like. You can try that spare-the-rod, seen-and-not-’eard shit on ‘er, but _fuck_ you if you think you can tell me-”

 

The smile had slipped off Mai’s face; she was watching Lee cautiously, leaning away a little in his arms.

 

Wish I had a Goddamn rod…

 

“Lee,” Barney knew his cool irked Lee more than anything. Christmas looked ready to bust a vein as Barney calmly rubbed the palms of his hands together and said in even, measured words, “You know I’m not tryin’ to be mean to her. She needs to learn the rules, before she gets too old and we regret it.”

 

“Rules?” Lee’s face scrunched in irritation, oblivious to his rise in volume or his decrease in sense. His accent had thickened noticeably. “Whas she need rules for? She’s a fuckin’ baby! What, yah want ‘er tah fall in line like your li’le tin soldier-”

 

“Ok, big papa,” Tool had his hand up, Be cool.

 

Mai’s tiny hands were balled up and curled in close to her chest, her eyes on Lee’s face as she piped up a wary, “Daddy?”

 

That stopped Lee’s rant in its tracks. “Whassa mattah, bit?” he called sweetly, trying to reign in his temper. “Oi, you’re alright, sweet’eart.”

 

Too late. She pushed a little at his shoulder with one hand and reached for Barney, swaying out over Lee’s arm. “Daddy? Daddy?”

 

Sighing through his nose, Barney pushed himself up out of his camping chair and sauntered over to them.

 

She reached with both hands, her big black eyes wide. “Up. Daddy, up.”

 

Hurt etched all over Lee’s face, he handed her over.

 

Troublemaker, Barney thought as he stroked a hand over Mai’s soft black hair. “Lee,” he tried quietly.

 

“Blow me,” Lee snarled before he stalked off, shouldering his way roughly between Thorn and Smiley, who were swaggering through the hanger’s side door with trays full of patties and dogs.

 

“What’d I miss?” Smiley asked, following Lee with his eyes over his shoulder.

 

“Parenting,” Caesar answered dryly. He met Barney’s eyes and shook his head with a rueful smile. “That’s the way it goes, man.”

 

Don’t take it personal, his look said.

 

Galgo nodded sagely. “In Arhentina, when two parents cannot agree, the billage-”

 

Oh great, trial by town council. No thanks.

 

“We got it, Galgo,” Barney held up a hand.

 

Luna stood, dusting chip crumbs off the thighs of her jeans and off her hands. “Here,” she held out her hands for Mai. “Come here, Miss Thang.”

 

An image from a thousand years ago - his mother laying her hand over his heart, _Be easy, Berto. The meek shall inherit_ \- streaked across his mind.

 

He shifted Mai gently, waiting for Luna’s hands to close around her waist before he let go.

 

“Thanks, Lue,” he murmured.

 

“Are you kidding? This is my baby,” she teased. Your welcome, her warm little smile said.

 

“Que linda, mijita,” Galgo cooed as Luna settled down next to him. He leaned over the fabric arm of his chair, alternating kisses between Mai’s tiny mouth and Luna’s full one. “Te amo, te amo.”

 

“Tener algo de orgullo, hombre,” Mars snarked.

 

Galgo grinned, rubbing the tip of his nose to Mai’s as he chirped, “Ai celoso.”

 

“Kid’s gonna speak every language _but_ Chinese,” Thorn snorted.

 

“She’s Burmese,” Barney tossed back as he ducked out of the hanger’s side door.

 

All Barney had to do to find Lee was listen for the rhythmic _ping...ping…_ He spotted Lee around the corner of the hanger, throwing knives from fifteen feet away at a pile of scrap sheeting.

 

“Gonna dull ‘em,” Barney warned, watching them hit the sheet metal dead-center and bounce off, landing on the asphalt with a hollow clang.

 

Lee didn’t answer him, keeping his mouth clamped tight as he took aim with another knife and threw again.

 

“Come inside, use the board,” Barney tried.

 

Lee threw the next knife so hard it made a metallic crack against the sheet metal. “Stop!”

 

Both hands raised and curled like claws around his head, Lee wheeled on Barney and shouted, “Stop! Stop fuckin’ patronizing me, Barney! I can’t fuckin’ stand it when you do that!"

 

“Ok,” Barney held up both hands, Easy. “I won’t-”

 

“You’re doing it now,” Lee snarled. Then he threw his arm in the direction of the hanger, “Would you just piss off?” before turning on his heel to stalk across the side yard.

 

Barney trailed him at a distance, stopping a few feet away as Lee stooped to scoop up his knives.

 

Dropping into a crouch, Lee tossed the knives in his hand onto the ground and scrubbed his hands over his face. “Goddamnit.”

 

Barney glanced down at the asphalt, digging at a patch that had started to come loose with the toe of his boot.

 

God, it’d been easy before, when Lee was his right-hand and his associate.

 

_Tow the line, Christmas._

 

_I don’t talk because I like the sound a’my own voice, Christmas._

 

_This ain’t a democracy, Christmas._

 

That was before Stonebanks, before Lee roared up to Barney’s house three weeks after they landed state-side and pounded up his porch and on his door.

 

_Either you love me and we’re together or that’s it._

 

He’d fucked Lee up against the wall in the entryway - the front door still ajar and Lee’s keys on the floor and his jeans around his ankles.

 

 _This what you want, Christmas?_ Barney had rasped in his ear. Lee’d been too out of his Goddamn mind to answer, and Barney had taken his guttural whine as a, _Yes._

 

Of course he’d been dead wrong.

 

Because that wasn’t what Lee wanted - a hard fuck in the hallway, their harsh pants covered up by the shrieks and shouts of kids playing in the street outside and the TV still on in the living room. No, Lee’d wanted to move his shit in and leave his tools all over the Goddamn garage. He’d wanted to wash Barney’s hair and push the fucking cart in the grocery store. He wanted Barney to pound his tight British ass into the mattress every night until Barney felt like he was going to bust a lung.

 

And then, just when Barney thought he had it all down on paper - everything they were and everything they weren’t - Lee brought home a six-month-old kid and said, _I love her, she’s my family._

 

It’d taken Barney a hell of a lot longer than he’d like to admit to get over that feeling of betrayal, and almost twice as long before he took a look at Mai across the kitchen table one morning and thought, _She’s my Goddamn daughter, too._

 

The hardest part, the part that they were - even after a year and enough books and heart-to-fucking-hearts and Toll lectures to choke a horse - still trying to figure out was _our_ daughter.

 

“I don’t like it,” Lee’s voice startled him. He thought for sure he’d have to be the one to break the silence. “I don’t like it when you’re ‘ard on ‘er. S’not fair.”

 

Barney was grateful Lee still had his back to him, otherwise he would have seen Barney’s eyeroll and silent, _Jesus age Christ._

 

“Ok,” Barney said slowly.

 

Lee pivoted on his heel, looking up and back at Barney over his shoulder and who the hell can stretch like that? His dark eyes, normally so bright and sharp, were soft as he pleaded, “She’s just a nip - she shouldn’t ‘ave to worry about whether or not she’s _good_ enough-”

 

“Hold your horse,” Barney butted in quietly. “You know I never said she wasn’t-”

 

“Don’t you like ‘er?” Lee’s voice had taken on a desperate edged.

 

That pitch, the pain in Lee’s face, tugged so hard at Barney’s gut he wanted to shout, _You know what?_ _Let her run wild! Whatever you want, Lee! Whatever the fuck you want, baby._

 

He took a calming breath instead, forcing his shoulder blades to separate and drop a little down his back before he gruffed, “Course I like her, Lee. I love her, she’s everything to me. It’s not about that.”

 

“Let’s leave ‘er like she is.” Lee rose, closing the distance between them in a few strides. His hands pressed insistently into Barney’s chest. “Just a while longer, please. Barney, please.”

 

Like she is?

 

“Lee?”

 

“We won’t-” Lee swallowed, looking all around the airfield as he choked out, “We won’t ‘ave another, and she’s gettin’ older and I-”

 

Oh. Barney closed his eyes as the realization washed over him. Oh oh oh.

 

“Baby.” Barney gathered Lee up in his arms, feeling Lee’s weight go immediately slack against him. Sometimes he envied Lee, the way he could show his tenderness, show his weakness.

 

Europeans, he thought wryly, rubbing firmly at Lee’s back as he soothed, “Hey, baby. Easy.”

 

Lee said nothing, pressing his mouth hard against Barney’s shoulder. When Barney felt him start to shake, he felt like he was coming undone. “Lee, baby come on. Don’t do that, baby. You’re killin’ me.”

 

“I love ‘er so much-” Lee choked out before a hard sob took the air right out of him.

 

“I know you do.” Barney cradled the back of Lee’s head in one hand. “I know you do.”

 

They stayed that way for several long minutes, Barney waiting quietly while Lee pulled himself together, an uncomfortable lump lodged in his throat and a dull pressure behind his eyes.

 

Keep it together, Ross. Keep it together.

 

Finally, Lee drew in a ragged breath and rasped, “I don’t want ‘er to grow up.”

 

“Me neither.”

 

“I thought I’d ‘ave more, yah know?” Lee pulled back a little to look up at Barney, who resolutely ignored the wetness around Lee’s eyes and down his cheeks. “Not that I’m not grateful - I am.”

 

“I know,” Barney nodded, wishing like hell Lee would wipe the tears off his face. When he didn’t, he lifted a big hand and did it for him.

 

“I can’t- I can’t keep up with ‘er. It’s like _every time_ I turn round, she’s bigger. I can’t stop it. I want to and I can’t-”

 

Before he could crumble again, Barney pressed his forehead to Lee’s and kissed him softly, tasting salt.

 

“It’s ok, baby,” Barney murmured against Lee’s mouth, breathing air back into him, willing him to calm down.

 

Lee touched his tongue to Barney’s in a humid, open-mouthed kiss. The raw intimacy of it seemed to sooth him more than anything.

 

“Always wanted ‘em,” Lee whispered. “I thought- I thought I’d ‘ave a lot. Thought I’d marry some girl, or some bloke, and we’d ‘ave ‘em up to the rafters, yah know?” He tried a wry half-smile. “Must think I’m nancy as fuck-”

 

“No, I think you’dve made a great Italian Catholic,” Barney deadpanned, earning a wet, startled laugh.

 

“I just, I don’t wanna lose ‘er. I want ‘er to stay-” He held his hands up between them, their foreheads still touching, and made a short gap between his hands. “Forever.”

 

He smiled ruefully. “Can’t we make ‘er?”

 

“Sorry,” Barney shook his head. “Look, Lee - you and me? We got one shot behind the plate.”

 

He held up his finger.

 

“One, to knock this thing outta the park. But we gotta be on the same team, Lee. If we’re gonna do this thing, and keep our eye on the ball, we gotta be on the same team. You think this game plays fast now? Wait til she’s ten, thirteen, sixteen - Jesus, Lee. We gotta work together to get our kid on-base, or she’s not gonna have a shot in hell at the majors. You understand what I’m sayin’?”

 

Lee nodded. “Yeah.”

 

“You and me, we can do anything. We can raise our girl right, and give her a real shot - but we can’t do it fightin’ like this.”

 

“I know,” Lee nodded again, sucking in a stuttering breath, like Mai did at the end of a hard crying jag. And just like Mai, Lee looked exhausted.

 

“Wanna pack it and call it a day?” Barney asked, squeezing Lee’s arms.

 

“No,” he shook his head. “I’m alright. Let’s go in.” With a dry sidelong look at Barney, he added, "Probably think you're out 'ere fuckin' my brains out."

 

Barney was too damned old to blush and wince, so he spat back a terse, "Wonder where they'd get that impression."

 

Lee at least had the good grace to look sheepish as they both remembered how their last blow out at a family picnic ended - with Mai off somewhere with one of her countless uncles and Barney giving it to Lee so hard in the backseat of his Ram they could hear his struts squeak.

 

They walked back to the hanger with Barney’s arm slung over Lee’s shoulders and Lee’s arm curled around Barney’s waist. Lee dropped his at the door; Barney snugged him a little closer and nodded when Lee’s hand came back to his hip.

 

It took him a second to pick Mai out of the crowd. She was on Caesar’s knee, his enormous dark hand holding her around her soft tummy for balance as he bounced her lightly. He kept Toll distracted with a debate about Western nihilism versus Eastern illusion as Smiley snuck her small pieces of hot dog and whole green olives.

 

Gunner had taken a knee on the hard concrete beside Caesar’s chair and was tickling Mai’s plump calves between her mouthfuls, watching her ecstatic squeals and wriggles with something like enthralled devotion.

 

Luna perched in Galgo’s lap, having surrendered her chair to Thorn, who slid furtive glances at Smiley out of the corner of his eye while he and Mars talked video games.

 

Barney felt the last of the tension go from Lee’s shoulders. “Look a’that.”

 

He did, the corner of his mouth curling upwards. “We got a lotta teammates in the outfield catchin’ fly balls-”

 

“Think we done the baseball metaphor to death, don’t you?” Lee cut in with a smirk.

 

Barney snorted. “Alright, Christmas.”

 

Later, when they’d eaten and had enough to drink that Lee was insisting he could still throw dead-on with his left while holding Mai in his right, and Thorn had “accidentally” hip-bumped Smiley for the third time in ten minutes, Barney decided it was time to call it a night.

 

“Round ‘em up, move ‘em out, rawhide,” he ordered congenially, giving Lee’s ass a gentle pat-pat when Lee smarted off with, “Who died and made you umpire?”

 

“Umpire?” Luna swayed a little on her feet, her pretty face pinched in confusion. Galgo caught her around the waist.

 

She smiled up and back at him. “Hey you.”

 

“Hola, senorita,” he murmured. “Do jou wan’ to go home?”

 

She shook her head, raising her arms high in the air and crowing off-key, “I feel like dance-ing, dance-ing, dance the night away-ay-ay!” She did a little wiggle with her hips that was surprisingly coordinated given she was three sheets to the wind.

 

Galgo dipped his head and said something into her ear.

 

She shook her long blonde ponytail, belting louder in her deep voice, “I wanna dancing queen - watch that scene, diggin’ the seventeeeen ow ow!”

 

Lee snickered until Barney reminded him quietly, “Billy Idol.”

 

That wiped the smirk right off his face.

 

“I am taking this senorita dancing,” Galgo held her one hand high in the air as she twirled emphatically. “Does any of jou wan’ to come?”

 

Unsurprisingly, the old crew chorused several “Nah man”s and “Get real”s. Smiley shrugged, “Yeah, sounds cool,” and Thorn followed with an attempt at a disinterested, “Sure why not?”

 

“What ‘bout you, bit?” Lee stooped to pluck Mai up off Caesar’s lap. “You wanna go dancin’? Huh? You my dancin’ queen?”

 

“Wouldn’t that be Barney?” Gunner snickered.

 

Barney noticed in his kneeling position, Gunner was at the perfect height for a swift kick to the jaw. So did Gunner; he scrambled to his feet.

 

Tool chuckled around the pipestem clenched between his teeth. “Her papa don’t dance and her daddy don’t rock n’ roll.”

 

“Guilty feet ain’t got no rhythm,” Barney nodded somberly.

 

“Hush, you,” Lee scolded, stepping up with Mai on his hip. “Got nothin’ to be guilty ‘bout, innit that right, sweet’eart?”

 

Mai touched Barney’s full, soft lips with her fingertips and smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Que pasa, mijita?”  
> "What's the matter, precious girl?"
> 
> “Que linda, mijita,”  
> "How beautiful, my precious girl."
> 
> “Te amo, te amo.”  
> "I love you, I love you."
> 
> "Tener algo de orgullo, hombre.”  
> "Have some pride, dude."
> 
> "Ai celoso."  
> "Oh how jealous."

**Author's Note:**

> Unfortunately, there will be a lot more of these fluffy plot bunnies. They're just... scampering all over my head.
> 
> *shrugs*


End file.
